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Do Sex and Love Mix?

By Allie Ochs

Author's Book: Are You Fit to Love? : A Radically Different Approach to Successful Relationships

In a recent Today Show, Donny Deutsch surveyed women on affairs of the heart. There was something important to learnabout women and sex:

  • Sex doesn't happen just like that
  • Foreplay starts way before you hit the bedroom
  • Emotional cheating is no different than physical cheating

    Forthe majority of women having sex is not equal to making love. The prevailingattitude in our society is: let there be sex at the end of the tunnel, Idon't care about the light! Yet, for most women, there is a profounddifference between just having sex and making love. Sex is about you, makinglove is about both of you. When you just have sex, your partner becomes themeans to an end; this is enough to make any woman feel lousy! Women arebombarded with sex advice on how to do it right and looking good while they doit. Much of this advice is missing an important point: emotional intimacy. Thegood news: most women are natural experts at sex. The bad news: too oftenwomen's sex lives leave much to be desired on an emotional level.

    Sex doesn't happen just like that

    Anne loves her husband George, but shehas become rather disinterested in sex with him. If she loves me, whydoesn't she want to have sex?, George wonders. Most evenings whenGeorge comes home, he is stressed, irritated and critical of the kids and Anne.As one woman put it on the Today Show: It's like after you kicked your dog. Do you think the dog wants to come back to be petted? Anne, who has taken George's brunt all evening, is emotionally unable tomake love. She is not willing to just have sex for the sake of peace. Themessage: like so many of us, George and Anne need to connect emotionally again.Without emotional intimacy it will be very quiet in the bedroom. The longercouples ignore this issue, the wider the emotional gap will become. For thoseunable to bridge this gap, professional advice is in order.

    Foreplay starts way before you hit the bedroom

    The women on the Today's show weren't precise as to how soon before hitting the bedroom foreplay shouldbegin. The point was still taken:most couples, who don't experience emotional intimacy, have unsatisfyingsex lives. Emotional intimacy is like a 7/24 foreplay. When we feel reallyclose to each other, the mental foreplay never stops. Your mind is intimatelyconnected all the time. Many couples have lost that connection and often end upliving like roommates. The message: make your partner and your relationship apriority. Make an effort to be close. This is one secret of many happy couples.Have the courage to be really close. Let each other in all the way, not just tothe front door.

    Emotional cheating is no different than physical cheating

    Isfantasizing about another person normal or harmful to your partner? Whateveryour viewpoint may be 70% of women believe that emotional infidelity is thesame as physical cheating. The same women also believe that emotional cheatingleads to physical cheating. This is a big issue! One woman on the Today Showsaid: I am not getting from my husband what he is giving to someoneelse. What exactly is emotional cheating? It is having sexual orromantic fantasies about someone other than your partner or relating intimatelyto someone the way you should relate to your partner. It could also be tellingsomeone what you should be telling your partner.

    Pierre, a regular atthe local strip joint, enjoys flirting with other women and never misses aPlayboy issue. He couldn't understand why his girlfriend Kate was sooffended. After all he didn't have sex with anyone else. Kate eventuallyleft. She could no longer be with someone who is half-heartedly involved. Whenyour mind or heart strays you are committing emotional infidelity. You aretaking your emotional and sexual energy away from your partner to someone else.The message: you must focus on your relationship, not elsewhere.

    As MaryO'Hara said: Love cannot survive if you give it scraps ofyourself, scraps of your time and scraps of your thoughts.

    Note fromthe author: this is an article you should put right in the face of your husbandor boyfriend.

    2006-2013 Allie Ochs is a speaker, relationship coach and author of: Are You Fit to Love? Her book has received the honorable mention at the USA 2004 Best Book Awards. She has appeared on TV, Radio and ispublished in numerous magazines and newsletters.

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