Robert Najemy is the author of 19 books - 95,000 copies sold, director of the
Center for Harmonious Living in Athens Greece with 3700 members, and editor
of the ezine "Clarity - The Psychology of Happiness".
When we do not get what we want from our relationships, we often feel hurt,
abused, rejected, disappointed, bitter and angry.
We then have a choice to remain in our negativity or seek to use this as an
opportunity for learning more about ourselves and contacting a deeper source
of security, self-worth, inner fulfillment and love within ourselves.
Below are some examples of behaviors, which might bother us and thus contain
some possible lessons for us.
The use of any gender is arbitrary and could be otherwise.
a. When she criticizes me. b. When he does not respond to my request or needs. c. When she asks me many questions. d. When he shouts and accuses.
e. When she plays the role of victim and cries. f. When she blames me for what has happened. g. When he ignores me. h. When he doesn't listen to me. i. When he looks at other women.
j. When she is not conscientious about our agreements or responsibilities.
k. When he does not agree with me. l. When he does not pay attention to me when I talk.
m. When she is late for our appointment. n. When he doesn't help out with the cleanliness. o. When he tells lies. p. When they ignore my needs. q. When they gossips.
r. When he does not tell me what he is feeling.
s. When she complains too much. t. When he thinks he knows it all and does not listen to my point of view.
u. When she gives me advice I have not asked for. v. When he threatens me that he will leave. w. When he does not take care of himself or does not do his share. x. When the other is weak and dependent. z. Other_______________________
What is the Lesson?
We seek happiness, security, affirmation, love and fulfillment in our
relationships. When these needs are not satisfied, the ultimate question is
"what is my lesson here?" "How can I recreate my happiness, love and peace?"
The key to discovering what we need to learn is the faith that everything
that happens to us is a result of processes called mirroring, sympathetic
attunement, resonance or projection.
Our beliefs, emotions, expectations, fears and behaviors are mirroring,
reflecting, projecting or resonating in our external world attracting the
behaviors and events which we experience.
Those events, behaviors or situations that cause us to feel unpleasant
feelings are specifically mirroring parts of ourselves which are ripe and
ready to be transformed.
This is a very powerful tool for self-discovery because it gives us a very
clear understanding of what we need to change while simultaneously freeing
us from negative feelings towards the others. We realize that we ourselves
attract the behaviors and events that create our reality. It is through
exactly those stimuli that we will be motivated to evolve out of our old
limiting beliefs into new beliefs, more aligned with the truths of our real
Some readers might not be able to accept these basic tenants. This
life-philosophy is based on the following basic tenants
1. We are immortal, inherently divine beings in a process of evolution.
2. We are totally responsible for the reality we experience.
3. We evolve and mature emotionally and spiritually through a learning
process stimulated and sometimes forced upon us by life's events and
circumstances, and to a great degree, others' behaviors.
4. Unpleasant events and circumstances are always opportunities for growth.
We also learn from pleasant events and circumstances.
5. There are four factors within us, which attract these life stimuli and
create our subjective reality:
a. Our past actions and behaviors. b. Our present beliefs, emotions, expectations, behaviors, fears, guilt,
attachments, internal conflicts and roles we play.
c. The specific lessons we have come to learn as souls in evolution. d. How we interpret events and behaviors.
6. There are four areas of our lives through which we receive most of our
a. Our close relationships b. Our health and physical appearance. c. Our work environment. d. Various events such as accidents, marriage, divorce, loss, gain, war,
natural disasters and changes in general.
7. Most often our lessons are to be found in events, circumstances or
behaviors which bother us, which are not to our satisfaction, or are painful
8. The lessons we need to learn in these areas can be varied and multiple
but fall the following general categories:
a. To transform our conscious and subconscious beliefs. g. To change our attitudes and behavior. c. To communicate more clearly, assertively and effectively.
d. To change our way of life. e. To make efforts to improve the world around us.
9. In general, our lessons involve transforming beliefs and fall into
a. Beliefs which we need to change in order to cease attracting or
creating a situation, which bothers us.
b. Beliefs which we need to transform in order to be able to accept the
situation exactly as it is. c. Beliefs which we need to change in order to communicate more
effectively with others concerning what is happening.
d. Beliefs which we need to transform in order to be able to actively
improve or change the external situation.
Some examples below will help us understand this.
Some Examples of Possible Lessons:
a. If, as a soul, I need to learn to gain self-confidence, it would be only
natural to create a situation in which my personality could not find
external support, thus forcing me to learn to depend upon myself.
b. If I need to learn self-acceptance, then it would be natural for me, as a
soul, to create a situation in which I pass through a period of not being
accepted by the others, so as to develop an inner base for my
c. If I have chosen to overcome a fear, then the obvious way to do this
would be to subconsciously create or attract exactly what I fear, so that I
may overcome it.
d. If I need to overcome an aspect of my character such as selfishness, what
better way to see my selfishness, than to confront it in others.
Mirroring and Projecting
There is a small difference between mirroring and projecting. When another's
behavior "mirrors" something inside us, that means that there is a resonance
and that the other is behaving in a way which reflects some of our beliefs,
emotions or expectations. There is a silent resonance between us, which
causes the other to mirror the some of our aspects.
"Projection" means that we are seeing things in the other's behavior, which
are not there, at least not to the extent that we see them. We are
subjectively interpreting and often magnifying aspects of the other's
behavior so that we "project" on to his or her behavior our own beliefs,
needs, fears, emotions and expectations, and guilt.
In future articles we will investigate more specific situations and the
possible lessons that might be learned.