Astrology and Other Tasteless Jokes

Existential Question of the Day

QUESTION: "Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my PC?"

ANSWER: The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:

The Catholic Church's approach to characters: " The nice characters go to Heaven, where they are bathed in the light of happiness. The naughty characters are punished for their sins. Naughty characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words, such as "breast", "sex", and "contraception"."

Some Protestant sects believe that the characters' destinations are predestined; and that it's therefore not worth worrying about: "They'll go where they're supposed to go, according to the unknowable plans of the OEM."

The Buddhist explanation: "If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher character. Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become numbers, numbers will become letters, and lower-case letters will become upper-case."

The 20th-century bitter cynical nihilist explanation: "Who cares? It doesn't really matter if they're on the page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. It's all the same."

The Mac user's explanation: "All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go to straight to PC hell. If you're using a PC, you can probably see the deleted characters, because you're in PC hell also."

Stephen King's explanation: "Every time you hit the (Del) key you unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!"

IBM's explanation: "The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to de-conceptualize them. Get a life."

PETA's (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation: "You've been DELETING them??? Can't you hear them SCREAMING??? Why don't you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig!!!!"

Submitted by Melanie Byas

Holiday for Atheists

An atheist complained to a Christian friend, "Christians have their special holidays, such as Christmas and Easter; and Jews celebrate their holidays, such as Passover and Yom Kippur; Muslims have their holidays. EVERY religion has its holidays.

But we atheists," he said, "have no recognized holidays. It's an unfair discrimination."

"What do you mean, atheists have no holidays," his friend replied, "People have been observing a special day in your honor for years."

"I don't know what you're talking about," the atheist said, "When is this special day honoring atheists?"

"April first."

From Bill's Punch Line

God's Billboards

Some new billboards are getting attention in Cleveland. Some reported seeing one or two messages, but the newspaper listed all of them.

Here's a list of all variations of the "God Speaks" billboards. The billboards are a simple black background with white text. No fine print or sponsoring organization is included. These are awesome...enjoy.

Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game. -God

C'mon over and bring the kids. -God

What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand? -God

We need to talk. -God

Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer. -God

Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage. -God

That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it. -God

I love you and you and you and you and... -God

Will the road you're on get you to my place? -God

Follow me. -God

Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding. -God

My way is the highway. -God

Need directions? -God

You think it's hot here? -God

Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test. -God

Do you have any idea where you're going? -God

(And my personal favorite...)
Don't make me come down there. - God

Astrology Joke

How many members of your sign does it take to change a light bulb?

Aries: Just one. You want to make something of it?

Taurus: One, but just "try" to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

Gemini: Two, but the job never gets done - they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!

Cancer: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.

Leo: Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo to do the job for them while they're out.

Virgo: Approximately 1.0000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.

Libra: Er, two. Or maybe one. No - on second thought, make that two. Is that okay with you?

Scorpio: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

Sagittarius: The sun is shining, the day is young and we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid light bulb?

Capricorn: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

Aquarius: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so...

Pisces: Lightbulb? What lightbulb?