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    The Biggest Barrier to Finding Your Soul Mate

    By Elaine Sihera

    It is simple - FEAR: fear of failure, fear of difference, of love, of hurt, fear of the consequences and even life itself, in the futile search for perfection. People get stuck in the same behavior patterns, being fearful, fossilised and boring, getting the same joyless results, while becoming increasingly unhappy and unattractive in the process.

    The take their fearful behaviour to every situation and keep getting the same outcomes. Like a vicious cycle, fear gives them only the negatives, or no partners at all, which then reinforces their perceived unworthiness and cements the rejection even more.

    Fear comes through either shyness, inexperience of appropriate behavior, lack of confidence and self-esteem, a reluctance to deal with the unknown or, the most common reason, the wish to avoid being hurt, especially if one has been hurt before.

    But pain is the other side of pleasure and one cannot have pleasure without that pain. Moreover, pleasure always comes before pain in any new relationship, so when we avoid pain, we get no pleasure either, which then keeps us isolated, lonely and unhappy.

    Everything that happens in our life is meant to develop us to heights of excellence, to hone our coping and survival skills to perfection. When we rob ourself of the opportunity to sharpen our resilience and determination and to give us more experience, we remain weak, inadequate beings, dominated by fear, achieving very little and living only half the life we are capable of.

    Habits Decide Our Future

    With fear as a debilitating and paralysing force, it tends to keep people with the same habits as they take refuge in behavior which makes them feel comfortable. It won't yield them anything much, but at least it makes them feel 'safe' and secure.

    As it is habits that decide our future, such behavior merely gives more of the same and keeps the person in a rut of negativity. Of course, there is only a 6 foot different between a rut and a grave!

    When we are fearful, we prefer to hang back, to find numerous excuses as to why our actions won't yield anything of substance and why someone isn't good for us. Our search for the perfect mate makes 99.9% of people we meet highly unsuitable.

    We gradually convince ourselves of the negatives while the positives seldom get the chance to affect us. That's why some people remain single for years, their dating skills gradually being eroded until they feel totally inadequate to deal with a potential date.

    Anything we do, or any decision we make, is merely a result. We can change the result every time we wish by just changing our expectations and approach, by doing something in a different way and having an open mind about the possibilities.

    If you have been living the same way for a while, making the same kind of decisions and getting the same results, get out of that comfort zone and ditch the fear today. TRY SOMETHING NEW! The least you will get is another result. It could be one amazing, unexpected surprise to change your life for good.

    ELAINE SIHERA is an expert author, public speaker, media contributor and lifestyle columnist. The first Black graduate of the OU and a post-graduate of Cambridge University. Elaine is a Personal Empowerment and Relationships Consultant. Confidential advice is available on the quiz site. Author of: 10 Easy Steps to Growing Older Disgracefully! and 10 Easy Steps to Finding Your Ideal Soulmate!; Money, Sex & Compromise, among others (available on as well as her personal website). She describes herself as, "Fit, Fabulous, Over-fifty and Ready to Fly!"

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